Love bombing or real connection? How to tell
If they call you their soulmate on the second date, pay attention. Love bombing can feel amazing – until it doesn’t. Because that intense “chemistry” is often a precursor to control. Here’s how to distinguish a healthy spark from emotional manipulation, and how you can spot the trap before you're too invested to see clearly.
You've been talking to someone for three weeks, and they're already telling you they've never felt this way before. They're texting you good morning and good night. Telling you they want to take you to Italy next summer. Calling you their soulmate.
Part of you is elated. Finally. Someone who actually wants you. Someone who isn't afraid to show it!
But another part of you – the part you keep trying to silence – feels unsettled. It's moving fast. Really fast. And you can't tell if this is what healthy love actually looks like, or if you're being swept up in something that's going to leave you stranded.
If you're Googling "is this love bombing" at 1am, you're already listening to that instinct. Good. Let's talk about what it's actually telling you.
What actually is love bombing?
Love bombing is an overwhelming amount of affection, attention, and adoration – usually very early in a relationship. We're talking grand gestures, constant communication, declarations of deep feelings before there's been enough time to actually develop deep feelings.
It can look like:
Texting constantly and expecting immediate responses
Saying "I love you" within days or weeks
Making future plans (moving in, marriage, kids) before there’s even any real commitment
Showering you with gifts, compliments, and attention
Getting upset or guilt-tripping you if you need space
Putting you on a pedestal – you're perfect, you're unlike anyone they've ever met, you're their everything
On paper, this might sound like the dream. Someone who's finally all in. Someone who isn't playing games.
So why does it feel wrong?
Well, love bombing isn’t just “showing a lot of interest.” It’s a manipulation tactic used (often unconsciously, sometimes consciously) to gain control over another person by overwhelming them with affection, adoration, and attention.
Think of it like a drug dealer giving you the first hit for free.
The goal of the love bomber is to get you hooked. They want to fast-forward the relationship to a place of deep emotional dependency so that when they eventually flip the script (and they will flip the script), you’re too addicted to leave.
It’s a cycle that usually goes like this:
Idealization: You’re perfect. You’re the only person who understands them.
Devaluation: You start setting boundaries or asking for needs, and suddenly you’re “crazy,” “ungrateful,” or “too sensitive.”
Discard: They withdraw their affection entirely, leaving you desperate to get that “high” back.
Why love bombing works
If you've been in the dating pool for any length of time, you've probably dealt with avoidant partners, situationships that went nowhere, and people who couldn't give you a straight answer about what they wanted. You've been led on. Breadcrumbed. Ghosted.
So when someone shows up, offering the opposite of all that – full attention, zero ambiguity, complete adoration – it feels like relief. The intensity almost feels like water in a desert.
Except it can't. Because something is still pinging in the background. And that ping is your intuition telling you that this level of intensity doesn't match the actual depth of the connection.
Real intimacy takes time. It requires knowing someone through different moods, different circumstances, different seasons of life. It requires conflict, repair, and the slow accumulation of trust. You can't shortcut that process with enthusiasm alone.
Love bombing bypasses all of that. It creates a feeling of intimacy without the foundation to support it.
The red flags: How to spot it
So, how do you know if you’re being love bombed? Here are some telltale signs:
The "soulmate" script (too much, too soon)
If they’re telling you they love you after three dates, run for the hills. Real love takes time to build because you have to actually know the person to love them. A love bomber falls in love with the idea of you (or the reflection of themselves in your eyes), not the real, messy human you are.
Future faking
This is a classic. They paint a vivid picture of your future together before they even know your middle name.
“We’re going to look so good at my sister’s wedding next year.”
“I can’t wait to move into a house with you.”
“Our kids are going to be cute.”
This creates a false sense of security. It makes you feel like the relationship is more established than it is, so you feel safer sleeping with them, trusting them, or lending them money.
Communication overload
They text you 24/7. Call you on their way to work, on their lunch break, and on their way home. At first, it feels like attentiveness. But ask yourself: Do they get annoyed if I don’t reply instantly? Love bombing demands constant access to your time and energy. It’s a way of isolating you from your friends and your thoughts. If you’re constantly responding to them, you don’t have time to stop and think, “Wait, is this actually healthy?”
Pedestalization
They might say things like, “Nobody gets me like you do,” or “My exes were all crazy/toxic; you’re the only normal one.” They’ll put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you’re “the one.” This feeds your ego (who doesn’t want to be special?), but it sets you up for failure. The second you show any sort of flaws, you fall of the pedestal they’d put you on and shatter the “fantasy” of you that they’d built up inside their head. Soon after, you’re thrown into the “crazy ex” pile too.
Boundary bulldozing
This is the big one. If you say, “I can’t hang out tonight, I need to catch up on sleep,” how do they react?
Healthy person: “Totally get it! Sleep well, text me tomorrow.”
Love bomber: “Aww, but I really wanted to see you. Just for an hour? I’ll bring you food. Please? I miss you so much.” It sounds sweet, but they’re ignoring your “no” because their desire to see you is more important than your need for rest.
The difference between chalance and love bombing
This is where it gets tricky. Because, let's be fair – not everyone who comes on strong is love bombing you.
Some people are just enthusiastic (I like to use the word “chalant”). Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves. Some people have been waiting for someone like you, and they're genuinely excited. Because real love is exciting! The honeymoon phase is supposed to be full of dopamine and butterflies.
So how do you differentiate between a healthy spark and a dangerous fire?
Chalance respects your pace. Love bombing doesn't.
Someone who's genuinely excited about you will still respect your boundaries. If you say you need to take things slow, they'll be disappointed – but they'll adjust. They won't pressure you, guilt-trip you, or act wounded.
A love bomber will push back. They might say things like, "I've just never felt this way before" or "Why are you trying to slow this down?" They'll frame your boundaries as a problem to overcome rather than a preference to honor.
Chalance is consistent. Love bombing has an expiration date.
Real interest doesn't burn out after a few weeks. Someone who genuinely likes you will still be texting you good morning three months from now. Six months from now. The intensity might mellow into something steadier, but the care stays.
Love bombing, on the other hand, is unsustainable. It's a sprint, not a marathon. At some point, the attention will drop off – often suddenly and without explanation. And you'll be left wondering what you did wrong, when the reality is… you didn't do anything. You were never relating to a real person. You were relating to a performance.
Chalance wants to know you. Love bombing wants you to fill a role.
Pay attention to whether this person is actually curious about who you are – your opinions, your history, your weird quirks, the things that make you specifically you. Or are they more focused on how you make them feel? Are they interested in the real you, or are they projecting a fantasy onto you?
Love bombers often aren't that interested in the details of your life. They're interested in having a partner – any partner who fits the mold they've constructed in their head. You could be anyone, as long as you play the part.
Why do they do it? (It’s not always malicious)
I want to add a layer of nuance here because I think it helps to understand the why.
Not every love bomber is a calculating narcissist plotting on you. A lot of men (and women!) love bomb because they’re deeply insecure and emotionally immature.
They’re addicted to the high of the beginning. They love the version of themselves they see in your eyes when you’re looking at them with adoration. They believe the things they’re saying in the moment. When they say “I’ve never felt this way before,” they mean it.
But because they lack a core sense of self, they can’t sustain it. As soon as the chemical high wears off and real intimacy (which requires work and vulnerability) is required, they panic and bail.
Does knowing this change anything for you? No. The impact is the same. You still get your heart broken. But sometimes it helps to know that it wasn’t personal. It wasn’t a lie about your worth; it was a limitation of their capacity.
Why you might be drawn to love bombing
If love bombing keeps happening to you, it's worth asking why it feels so appealing in the first place.
For a lot of people – especially those with anxious attachment – love bombing feels like finally being chosen. After so many experiences of being undervalued, someone showing up with overwhelming attention feels like validation. It confirms that you're lovable. That you're worth pursuing. That you're not too much.
The problem is that this validation is being offered by someone who doesn't actually know you yet. It's not based on anything real. And when the love bombing phase ends – which it always does – you're left feeling more insecure than before. Because if they could adore you that intensely and then pull away, what does that say about you?
Nothing. It says nothing about you. But your brain won't believe that in the moment.
If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to people who come on strong and then disappear, there might be some work to do around why inconsistent love feels more compelling than steady love. That's not a character flaw – it's usually a pattern that developed for good reason, probably a long time ago. But it's worth examining.
What real connection actually feels like
Real connection doesn't usually feel like a lightning bolt. It feels like curiosity – like ease, and being able to be yourself without performing.
In a healthy early relationship:
Interest builds gradually as you learn more about each other
You feel comfortable setting boundaries without fearing abandonment
Affection feels warm rather than overwhelming
You're getting to know each other as real people, not idealized versions
Conflict happens eventually, and it gets repaired
You're both building trust through consistency, not grand gestures
It might feel less exciting than love bombing. That's because it is. Healthy love isn't a rollercoaster – it's more like a slow hike with a really good view at the top.
The butterflies of love bombing come from uncertainty. The calm of real connection comes from safety. They're not the same feeling, and learning to tell them apart is one of the most important skills you can develop.
How to protect your heart (without closing it)
As a lovergirl, I never want you to become cynical. I don’t want you to just assume every person you meet is love bombing you. Romance is fun! Being swept off your feet is fun!
But you need to keep your feet on the ground while your head is in the clouds.
So, if you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh god, I’m being love bombed right now,” I want you to take a deep breath.
Be the tortoise
I know, I know. Being the hare is more fun. But in dating, speed is the enemy of truth. Force the pace to slow down. Give it time. Real feelings don't evaporate if you slow down. Someone who actually wants you will wait. They won’t go anywhere. If the connection can only exist at this breakneck pace, that should tell you something.
The boundary test
Set a boundary and see what happens. You don't have to be dramatic about it – just express a preference, and pay attention to how they respond. Do they respect it? Or do they try to talk you out of it?
Listen to your body
Anxiety and excitement feel very similar (racing heart, butterflies). But usually, your body knows the difference.
Excitement: Expansive, warm, giddy.
Anxiety: Tightness in the chest, holding your breath, feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, feeling like you have to “perform” to keep the vibe up.
If you feel exhausted or mentally drained after spending time with them, that’s your nervous system telling you something is costing you too much energy.
Consult the council
Talk to people who know you – your friends are your reality check. When you’re in the middle of an intense dynamic, your judgment gets cloudy. Friends and family can often see what you can't. Show the texts to your most cynical, grounded friend. Ask them: “Is this cute, or is this cringe/creepy?” If multiple people in your life are expressing concern, take that seriously.
Trust your gut. If something feels off, something probably is. You're not being paranoid. You're not self-sabotaging. You're picking up on real information.
A final note to my lovergirls (and loverboys)
You’re not stupid. You’re not weak. You’re a person who craves love, and someone weaponized that beautiful trait against you.
The antidote to love bombing isn’t to stop loving. It’s to start loving yourself more.
When your self-worth is high, love bombing doesn’t feel flattering; it feels suspicious. When you know you’re a catch, you don’t need a stranger to validate you in order for you to believe it.
Hi! I'm Jenny, an associate therapist (and recovering lovergirl) based in California ☻
I specialize in working with insecurely attached Gen Z and millennial individuals/couples who are stuck in messy dating situations and exhausting relationship cycles. If you're tired of spiraling over text messages, settling for breadcrumbs, and wondering why you keep attracting the wrong people – I can help.