Can EMDR actually help you move on from your ex?
Sometimes, breakups aren’t just sad – in fact, they can be quite traumatic. You reread old texts, spiral over their social media activity, and feel actual physical pain in your chest. When talk therapy isn’t enough, EMDR offers a real way out.
How many times have you replayed The Moment in your head? You know the one. The moment they said, “We need to talk.” Or the moment you saw that notorious “Hey girl” text.
If you’re anything like the clients I see – and let’s be real, if you’re anything like me – you’ve probably played that scene in your head about a million times. You analyze their tone of voice. Obsess over what you could’ve said differently. You wake up at 3am with chest tightness, feeling the exact same panic you felt three months ago.
You've done everything you're supposed to do after a breakup. You deleted their number. Unfollowed them on Instagram. You went out with friends – and even tried dating other people.
But six months later, you're still replaying the same moments. The fight that ended it. The last time you saw them. That thing they said that still stings when you think about it.
You feel stuck. Like everyone else has moved on and you're still here, unable to let go.
Here's what most people don't understand: sometimes, the issue isn't that you're not trying hard enough to move on. It could be that your brain stored the breakup memory in a way that keeps you trapped in the emotional intensity of it.
This is where we need to stop treating breakups like “sadness” and start treating them like what they often are: trauma.
And if it’s trauma, we need more than just venting. We need a hard reset. And that's where EMDR comes in.
What is EMDR and the science behind it?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I know it sounds like pseudoscience when you first hear about it. Someone waving their fingers in front of your face while you think about traumatic memories? Sounds kinda ridiculous, right?
But EMDR is one of the most researched and effective treatments for trauma. It’s been extensively researched since the 1980s and is recognized by the American Psychological Association and World Health Organization as an effective treatment for trauma. Multiple studies have shown that EMDR works as well as (and sometimes better than) other trauma treatments. And it often works faster.
The exact mechanism isn't fully understood yet. We know bilateral stimulation activates both hemispheres of the brain and seems to help the brain reprocess stuck memories. But researchers are still studying exactly why it works.
What we do know is that it does work. Consistently. Across different types of trauma and different populations.
Can EMDR be used for processing a breakup?
EMDR was originally designed for PTSD and is incredibly effective for people who have been through major, life-altering incidents.
But trauma isn’t just “Big T” events (natural disasters, war/combat, sexual assaults). Trauma is any experience that overwhelms your brain’s ability to cope. So yes, breakups can be traumatic – especially if you have anxious attachment, or if the relationship ended in a particularly painful way.
When something traumatic happens, your brain is supposed to process it and file it away as a memory. You remember it happened, but it doesn't feel like it's happening right now.
But sometimes, especially during highly emotional events, your brain doesn't process the memory correctly. It gets stored in a fragmented, unprocessed way. So when you think about the breakup, your brain doesn't recognize it as something in the past. It reacts like it's happening right now.
That's why you might be feeling like you can’t just "get over it." Your nervous system is stuck in fight-or-flight mode every time the memory comes up.
EMDR helps your brain reprocess the memory so it gets filed away properly. You'll still remember what happened, but it won't have the same emotional charge. You can think about your ex without your chest tightening. You can see something that reminds you of them without spiraling for the rest of the day.
When regular therapy isn’t enough, EMDR can help
Sometimes talk therapy helps with breakups. You process your feelings, you gain insight into why the relationship ended, you work on moving forward.
But sometimes, talking about it doesn't help. You've analyzed the breakup to death. You understand intellectually why it ended. You know you're better off without them.
But you still feel stuck.
That's because the issue isn't in your thinking brain. It's in your nervous system. Your body is still holding onto the emotional intensity of the breakup, and no amount of talking is going to discharge that.
EMDR works on a different level. It helps your body release what it's been holding onto.
It’s particularly useful if you're stuck on a specific moment or memory that you can't stop replaying. If you have one or two memories that keep looping in your head, EMDR can help your brain process those so they stop controlling you.
EMDR is also helpful if your breakup activated old attachment wounds. If this breakup brought up feelings of abandonment from childhood, or if it confirmed some deep belief you have about being unlovable, EMDR can help you work through both the recent breakup and the older wounds underneath it.
What EMDR looks like in practice
So, how does this actually help you get over your ex? When I do EMDR with clients who are heartbroken, we usually target a few specific things.
1. The “trauma” of the ending
We target the specific moment your heart “broke.” Maybe it was the last phone call. Maybe it was seeing their profile on the dating apps less than a week after you two ended things. We process that image until you can look at it in your mind without your stomach dropping.
2. The negative core beliefs
Breakups trigger our deepest insecurities. The breakup isn’t just painful because they left; it’s painful because your brain made it mean something about you.
“I am unlovable.”
“I am too much.”
“I will always be abandoned.”
“I am not good enough.”
In EMDR, we identify these lies and install new truths. We rewire the brain to believe: “I am worthy of love regardless of their relationship status.”
3. The future template
Once we clear the old junk, we look forward. I have you visualize yourself in the future – dating again, being happy alone, running into your ex and not caring. We strengthen those neural pathways so your brain knows that a happy future is actually possible.
How it looks in session
In an EMDR session, your therapist will have you focus on the painful memory while simultaneously doing bilateral stimulation (BLS). Usually this means following their fingers with your eyes as they move them back and forth. Sometimes, it's tapping on alternating knees/shoulders or listening to sounds that alternate between your left and right ear. It can even be a combination of any of these.
I know it sounds weird! But BLS is supposed to mimic what happens during REM sleep, when your brain naturally processes memories and emotions. You know how when you got to sleep, your eyes move back and forth while you dreamt? EMDR does that while you’re awake.
While you're doing the eye movements (or taps), your therapist guides you through the memory. You notice what comes up – images, emotions, body sensations, thoughts. You're not trying to change anything or force yourself to feel differently. You're just noticing.
After several rounds – or sessions – of this, something will start to shift. The memory starts to feel less intense. You might notice details you didn't before. You might realize things about the relationship you couldn't see when you were stuck in the emotional overwhelm.
What it feels like
The first time I did EMDR with a client who was stuck on their ex, they were skeptical.
“How is moving my eyes going to help me stop thinking about them?"
We started with the memory of their ex ending the relationship. Within a few minutes of BLS, they said, "This is so weird. I can see their face but I don't feel anything. Like, I remember being devastated but I can't access that feeling right now."
That's what successful EMDR does. The memory is still there, but the emotional intensity is gone.
Another client described it as, "The memory feels further away now, like I'm watching it happen to someone else instead of reliving it."
Now, EMDR doesn't work instantly for everyone. Some memories take multiple sessions to fully process. But when it works, it's pretty undeniable.
When EMDR helps with breakups
EMDR is particularly useful if you're stuck on a specific moment or memory that you can't stop replaying.
If you have one or two memories that keep looping in your head, EMDR can help your brain process those so they stop controlling you.
It's also helpful if your breakup activated old attachment wounds. If this breakup brought up feelings of abandonment from childhood, or if it confirmed some deep belief you have about being unlovable, EMDR can help you work through both the recent breakup and the older wounds underneath it.
What EMDR won’t do
Let's be clear about what EMDR isn't.
It won't make you forget your ex. You'll still remember the relationship – all the good memories and the bad.
It won't make you stop caring. If you loved them deeply, you'll probably always care about them on some level. EMDR just helps you stop being emotionally hijacked by thoughts of them.
It won't erase the lessons you learned. If anything, EMDR often helps people see their past relationships more clearly because they're not clouded by intense emotions anymore.
And it won't prevent you from feeling sad sometimes. Grief comes in waves. EMDR helps reduce the intensity and frequency, but you're still going to have moments where you miss them – which is only natural!
Combining EMDR with other work
EMDR is a tool, not a magic cure. It works best when it's part of a larger therapeutic process.
If you have unhealthy attachment patterns, you will need to work on them so you don't repeat the same cycle in your next relationship. You still need to rebuild your identity and figure out who you are outside of being someone's partner. You still need to process the grief and sit with the uncomfortable emotions.
But EMDR can accelerate the healing process significantly. Instead of spending months or years stuck on your ex, you might be able to move through it in weeks.
Is EMDR right for you?
EMDR might be helpful if:
You can't stop thinking about your ex, even though you want to move on
You have specific memories from the relationship or breakup that keep replaying in your head
Thinking about your ex triggers physical symptoms (panic, nausea, chest tightness)
You've tried talk therapy and it helped somewhat, but you still feel stuck
The breakup brought up old wounds from childhood or past relationships
EMDR might not be the right fit if:
You're still in contact with your ex and the situation is ongoing (EMDR works best on past events, not current stressors)
You're not ready to let go yet (and that's okay – healing has its own timeline)
Moving forward
If you're months or years past a breakup and still can't move on, something may be keeping you stuck. Maybe it's unprocessed trauma. Maybe it's attachment wounds. Maybe it's a nervous system that never got the message that the threat is over.
EMDR can help with all of that.
You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to keep replaying the same memories over and over. You don't have to let one relationship define the rest of your life.
Your brain stored this memory in a way that's keeping you trapped. EMDR can help you reprocess it so you can finally move forward.
Hi! I'm Jenny, an associate therapist (and recovering lovergirl) based in California ☻
I specialize in working with insecurely attached Gen Z and millennial individuals/couples who are stuck in messy dating situations and exhausting relationship cycles. If you're tired of spiraling over text messages, settling for breadcrumbs, and wondering why you keep attracting the wrong people – I can help.