Stop the spiral: DBT for anxious attachment
If you’ve ever sent a triple text and immediately regretted it, or felt your mood plummet because they viewed your story but didn’t reply, you know the chaos of anxious attachment. It feels like an emotional rollercoaster you can’t exit. But you don't have to just "ride it out." Here is how DBT can hack your nervous system and stop the spiral.
I want to set a scene, and I want you to be honest if you’ve been here.
It’s 10:30pm on a Thursday. You texted the person you’re seeing at 6pm. You know they’re awake because you saw them active on Instagram. You know they aren’t "busy" because they work a 9-5.
But your phone is silent.
And inside your body, a nuclear meltdown is occurring.
Your chest feels tight, like someone is sitting on it. Your stomach is doing backflips. Your brain is running a marathon of worst-case scenarios:
“They’re ghosting me.”
“I said something stupid in that last text.”
“They’re with someone else.”
“I am going to be alone forever.”
The urge to fix it is overwhelming. You want to double text. You want to call. You want to drive past their house (okay, maybe not that far, but the thought crossed your mind). You feel like if you don’t do something right now, you might actually explode.
If this sounds familiar, welcome to the Anxious Attachment club. We have matching jackets, and we’re all checking our phones right now.
But here is the good news: You aren’t “crazy,” and you aren’t broken. You are just emotionally dysregulated.
And while talk therapy is great for understanding why you are this way (shoutout to your childhood), sometimes you need tools for right now. You need a fire extinguisher for the burning building in your brain.
That’s where DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) comes in.
What is DBT and why is it a game changer?
DBT was originally developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan to help people who felt emotions extremely intensely. Think of it as the Navy SEAL training of therapy. It’s practical, it’s skill-based, and it’s designed to help you survive emotional crises without making the situation worse.
The core philosophy of DBT is the Dialectic.
A dialectic means that two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time.
You can be doing your absolute best AND you can need to try harder.
You can feel terrified of losing them AND you can choose to not double text.
Your feelings are valid AND they might not be facts.
For us anxious folks, this is revolutionary. We tend to think in black and white: “If he doesn’t text back, he hates me.” DBT teaches us to live in the gray: “He hasn’t texted back, which feels scary, AND he might just be asleep.”
So, how do we actually use this when we’re spiraling? Here are the specific DBT skills that will save your dating life.
Skill 1: Mindfulness — Observe
The spiral usually happens because we merge with our emotions. You don’t just feel anxious; you become anxiety. The thought “he’s ignoring me” feels like an absolute truth.
Mindfulness in DBT isn’t just about meditating on a cushion. It’s about Observing and Describing.
Next time you’re triggered, I want you to narrate what is happening like a scientist. Instead of: “I can’t believe he’s doing this to me, I’m panicking,” try this:
“I am noticing a tightness in my chest.”
“I am observing the thought that he is ignoring me.”
“I am feeling the urge to send a passive-aggressive text.”
Do you see the difference? By adding “I am noticing,” you create a tiny bit of space between you and the feeling. You are the sky; the anxiety is just the weather. The weather is messy right now, but the sky is still there.
Skill 2: Distress tolerance — "STOP"
Okay, you’ve observed the feeling, but the urge to act is still massive. You are about to send the “Are you mad at me?” text.
Don’t. Use the STOP skill.
S: Stop. Literally. Freeze. Do not move your thumbs. Put the phone down.
T: Take a step back. Physically move away from the situation. Go to the bathroom. Go for a walk. Close the laptop.
O: Observe. What is happening inside you? What is the situation? (e.g., “I haven’t heard from him in four hours and I feel scared”).
P: Proceed Mindfulness. Ask yourself: “Will sending this text make the situation better or worse in the long run?”
Usually, the answer is worse. Sending the frantic text might give you relief for 10 seconds, but then the shame cycle starts. The STOP skill buys you time to let your prefrontal cortex (the logical brain) come back online.
Skill 3: TIPP — Hacking your biology
Sometimes the anxiety is so high that you can’t think. Your heart is racing at 100mph. You are in fight-or-flight mode. You can’t “mindfulness” your way out of a panic attack.
You need to change your body chemistry. Enter TIPP.
T: Temperature. Splash ice-cold water on your face. Or hold an ice cube in your hand until it hurts. This triggers the “Mammalian Dive Reflex,” which instantly lowers your heart rate. It is a biological reset button.
I: Intense Exercise. Do 20 jumping jacks. Sprint down the block. Do pushups until you can’t. Burn off the cortisol that is flooding your system.
P: Paced Breathing. Slow your exhale. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4, breathe out for 6.
P: Paired Muscle Relaxation. Tense every muscle in your body as hard as you can for 5 seconds, then release.
I literally have clients who keep a bowl of ice in their freezer specifically for “dating emergencies.” It sounds dramatic, but it works.
Skill 4: Emotion regulation — Check the facts
Once you’ve calmed down your body with TIPP and paused with STOP, it’s time to do some detective work.
Anxious attachment makes us jump to conclusions. We are professional fortune tellers, predicting doom.
“He didn’t use an emoji, so he’s losing interest.”
“She’s online but not replying, so she’s talking to someone else.”
Use the Check the Facts skill. Ask yourself:
What is the event? (e.g., He hasn’t replied in 3 hours).
What is my interpretation? (e.g., He hates me and is leaving me).
What are the other possible interpretations?
He fell asleep.
He is watching a movie.
He is working.
He died (okay, unlikely, but my brain goes there too).
Does your emotion fit the actual facts? Or does it fit your interpretation? Usually, we are reacting to a story we made up in our heads. When we strip it back to just the facts ("He hasn't replied yet"), the emotion becomes much smaller.
Skill 5: Interpersonal effectiveness — DEAR MAN
Okay, but what if there is a problem? What if they actually are being inconsistent and you need to bring it up?
Anxious people tend to do one of two things:
We say nothing and resent it (then explode later).
We attack (“You never prioritize me!”).
DBT gives us a script for asking for what we need without burning the bridge. It’s called DEAR MAN.
D: Describe the facts. “You said you’d call at 8pm, and it’s now 10pm.” (No judgment, just facts).
E: Express your feelings. “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you because I start worrying something is wrong.” (Use “I” statements).
A: Assert your need. “I would really appreciate it if you could shoot me a text if you’re running late.”
R: Reinforce. Tell them why it benefits them. “That way I won’t worry and we can just enjoy our talk when you’re free.”
M: Mindful. Stay on topic. Don’t bring up that time 3 weeks ago when he forgot your coffee order.
A: Appear confident. Make eye contact (or use a confident tone). Don’t apologize for having needs.
N: Negotiate. Be willing to find a middle ground.
The goal: “Wise Mind”
The ultimate goal of all these skills is to find your Wise Mind.
In DBT, we have three states of mind:
Emotion Mind: Ruled by feelings, hot, reactive, impulsive. (This is us at 10:30pm waiting for the text).
Reasonable Mind: Ruled by logic, cold, detached, factual. (This is us when we’re giving dating advice to our friends but not following it ourselves).
Wise Mind: The balance.
Wise Mind honors your feelings (“I am scared”) but uses logic to guide your actions (“I will wait to text until morning”).
Wise Mind is the version of you that knows your worth. Wise Mind knows that one text message does not define your lovability. Wise Mind knows that if they do leave, you will be okay, because you have the skills to handle the pain.
You can handle this
Having an anxious attachment style can be exhausting. It feels like you’re walking around with an exposed nerve.
But you don’t have to be a victim to your biology.
You can retrain your brain. You can widen your “window of tolerance” so that a delayed text feels like a nuisance, not a catastrophe.
Next time you feel the spiral starting, grab your ice cube. Do your STOP skill. Check the facts.
You’re the pilot of this plane. You might be flying through some turbulence right now, but you have the controls. And you’re going to land this thing safely.